my life

Living with a hidden (not so hidden) illness…Part 6

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December 2022…what a year this has been.

January started off with us still being hopeful and even buying a few baby clothes in the sale…we had started trying as per the advice from the sonographer. It was also the month that I turned 30! I didn’t have a birthday party or any celebrations apart from a meal with Steve and my parents, but I was surprised with a trip to Dubai for February.

February meant I was off to Dubai, and I was beyond excited! It was cold in the UK, and I was desperate for some sun and heat. The trip was absolutely amazing and I’m sure I’ll write a blog post in the coming weeks about Dubai and my experiences there.

March is when things started to crash around me. It was time to go back to London to speak to the gynaecology department with an update on the MRI that I’d had back in November 2021. I wish I could say the news was good…In short, we were told to immediately stop trying and that I’d be booked in for an operation as soon as possible. It would be another major operation and it carried more risks than the first time. But it was the only option aside from a hysterectomy. So, after a LOT of back and forth…we decided to go through with the operation. The rest of that day was spent walking around London feeling completely numb with shock. Crying in the British Museum, in P.F Chang’s, in the Lego store, etc. I also had a Vitamin D check done and it turns out, I am way too low on Vitamin D… not uncommon here in the UK…

April was a blur apart from the trip to the Netherlands for the tulips (which did not disappoint!) and to see family.

May was a trip to Vienna and Budapest with friends which was exactly what I needed! The perfect distraction from reality! I cannot recommend these places enough if you are looking for somewhere to travel to in Europe!

June was the month that I got the call with an operation date in the middle of Waitrose. 6th of July…just a couple weeks away…Mum whisked me away to Budapest for a couple days to take my mind off it all and to soak up more sun before I’d be on bed rest. The rest of the month just flew by and before I knew it, July was here.

July couldn’t have started any better for me though…Steve proposed!!!! I am now officially a fiancée! 1st of July will forever now be a special day for me. Those last few days before the operation flew by in excitement with wedding planning!

That excitement quickly moved to dread and fear on the night of the 5th. Tears wouldn’t stop flowing and I was ready to call the hospital and cancel it all. After a very restless and sleepless night…off Steve, dad and I went to London. They dropped me off and weren’t allowed to come up with me. I was escorted up to the pre op room where I had bloods drawn, many questions asked and forms to fill in. The one I hated the most was the one where I had to sign that I understood that I had a higher risk of death during this operation. I was all alone…crying my eyes out…hyperventilating. The nurses, doctors and anaesthesiologists tried their hardest to comfort me. Steve, mum and dad were texting me encouragement too, but I have never felt so alone and so scared. Here I was…having just turned 30…just gotten engaged with so much to live for and not knowing if I would come out the other end. Time stood still whilst I was in that room…I saw others come and go for their operations and mine never seemed to get closer. Eventually it was time.

The past few times I’ve been in hospital for operations, I’ve been taken to the room just before the operating theatre where I’ve been put under. Not this time…this time I was walked into the operating theatre. I was sat down on the operating table, and it was time for my epidural. It did not go smoothly…she was struggling to get into my lower back and suddenly nausea hit! I almost passed out and suddenly got so hot! The whole team stopped and cooled me down and calmed me down. They were honestly so amazing, and it calmed me down. The surgeons didn’t look nervous…so surely, I shouldn’t feel nervous. The second try of the epidural, she went a little higher and got it in one. What a weird feeling!! Being asked to move your limbs but not being able to at all! Before I knew it though, I was out like a light.

When I woke up, I was surprisingly ok…no pain…no nausea…had they actually operated?? Until I tried to move myself in the bed…the searing pain from my abdomen told me they had. The surgeon came to talk to me and reassured me that it went seamlessly. I lost a lot of blood, but they were able to get almost all the fibroids. I still had a womb, but I would probably need 3 or so smaller operations to remove the last few that were on the inside lining. The news had me crying for joy…I was alive…I still had a womb! The operation took a long time…close to 5 hours and I had 1.2kg of fibroids removed.

I’ll skip over my experience in the hospital as it wasn’t pleasant…recovering from a midline incision (belly button down) is not easy. But I learnt that I have really bad reactions to opioids and to anti-nausea medication. I managed to go home on Sunday the 10th where the real recovery started. I had been very sick and hadn’t eaten much over the last week. But eventually that started to fade, and my appetite started coming back. What I hadn’t mentioned yet was that as I came home, the UK had a heatwave. So here I was…recovering from a major operation…and it was close to 40 degrees Celsius almost every day. Our flat felt like an oven…and I couldn’t escape it. I would try and sit in our home office as long as I could, as that’s where we have an aircon unit, but sleeping was a challenge.

Fast forward to September and I finally have my follow up with the gynaecologist department and my surgeon…the news couldn’t have been better…yes, I still had fibroids, but they were extremely small, and I wouldn’t need any more operations…they would do an MRI to confirm this, but they were very optimistic. We were also given the green light to start trying from end of October and no time limit.

We know that I will need a hysterectomy at some point and the fibroids will be back…but for now…we are super optimistic…Recovery is slow, and I am still only 5 months into the 6-month recovery till I am mostly ‘back to normal’ but the difference in my life quality is insane.

The journey isn’t finished yet, but I am hoping that the next part might have more uplifting news…for now…if you have any pain or heavy periods…please go get checked for fibroids…the earlier you catch them…the easier they are to treat! All it takes is a quick ultrasound and its completely painless! I wish I had listened to Steve earlier and gotten checked much sooner.

But right now, I am mostly fibroid free and free to live my life again and to hopefully try and become a mum!

Fingers crossed 2023 is the year we’re able to get pregnant and have as safe a pregnancy as we can!

Living with a hidden (not so hidden) illness…Part 5

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So it has been a couple years since my last blog post and I wish I could say that I was done with this story…Unfortunately that is not the case.

Rewind to late 2020 and I started noticing that it was becoming uncomfortable to lie on my stomach and that something didn’t feel right. After some badgering by my other half, I begrudgingly called the doctor to make an appointment. Fast forward to the start of 2021 and Covid is still in full swing meaning that doctors appointments are just phone consultations at first. It didn’t take long for the doctor to realise that I need to go back for another ultrasound.

After my surgery they had given me around 5 years before the fibroids reappeared but here I was…2 1/2 years after my operation and knowing something was wrong. It took a little time for my ultrasound to happen and the nerves were definitely high. At this point my womb had started growing again and the familiar signs were back, however I tried to stay positive and had thought that maybe it was just adhesions after the operation. However, no matter how much you try to stay positive…sometimes your gut feeling is just too strong.

Summer of 2021 and it was time for my ultrasound…with Covid still being around, no one could go in with me, so I had to stay strong. It was apparent very quickly though that it was worst case scenario…the fibroids were back and there were already 2 large fibroids. The lady doing the ultrasound was super sweet and reassuring because as you can imagine…I didn’t take the news well…I was fighting tears and feeling numb at the same time. Not only were the fibroids back and large…but they also told me that I probably had about a year or 2 to have a baby in with minimal risk. Those that know me, know that I would love to become a mum one day and have dreamt about it for a long time.

It has been several months now since the scan and in all honesty, I am still numb…I am still coming to terms with the news. What made it harder for me was that I had just started my relationship with my other half a couple weeks before the first lockdown in the UK and just over a year later we get the news of the fibroids. I had gotten myself so worked up on the drive over to him and was so scared that that was going to be it for us. But luckily he took it as well as could be expected.

Now here we are, at the end of 2021…I have just had an MRI a couple days ago and we are staying positive for the year 2022 that we’ll be able to either have a baby safely or have some form of treatment that gives us some extra time. I am still numb and still beat myself up occasionally but there are more positive thoughts and hope for the future.

So yes, my fibroids are back and that sucks, but there is hope…and that’s what we are holding on to. Here’s to a great 2022!

Season of Change

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So much Covid time has passed and the inspiration to write has passed with it. The world has been upside down and is now slowly making its way back to a new sense of normal. Like the Spanish Flu in the years 1918-1920, this season is slowly passing. 50 million people died due to the Spanish flu, about 5 million so far due to Covid. But more people are vaccinated now and that means less risk to get new Covid mutations. And that gives hope!

I sit here reflecting on the year and I am probably not alone in thinking this has been one of the most isolating year in my lifetime.

About 3 or 4 generations have passed since the last pandemic of the Spanish flu. Maybe it will take another 3 or 4 generations till the impact of the current pandemic is no longer remembered.

But life is certainly not all bad. Many opportunities have arisen during this period too. Opportunities to spend time, to help out, to re-energise, re-asses priorities and reflect. I have discovered truly beautiful nature in the area I live in. Time spend walking outside, or just driving around have been treasured. Grocery shopping became an outing, chatting with my daughter (ok.. some lockdown rules were broken….) and I don’t even like grocery shopping!!

Time will tell how people will respond to the renewed season of our lives. It’s often said that in times of change people realise they need Jesus. Even though churches will need to reflect also on this new way of doing things, I hope the church can truly make a continued difference in people’s lives.

When Jesus went from village to village He instilled this sense of belonging to the family of God in people. He spend time with those that needed it most, or wanted it most. He urged the woman at the well to go tell everyone. Many of the people He healed he asked to talk about Jesus love for people.

That’s our continued task also, to be His hands and feet here on this earth till we meet Him face to face. In this season of uncertainty and change, He is certain and unchanged. He loves us just as much as He did 2 years ago.

For sure that’s what I will continue to try and do. To love people where they are and be His hands and feet in my own little corner and my own little way. I hope you will too. So our future generations can look back at this period as the time when Jesus was truly manifested in our lives.

Lock Down

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It has been many weeks since I last wrote a post. The weeks have totally run into each other, with the latest lockdown that started before Christmas. It seems so long ago already, but with most of December, all of January, February and March still to come, the world has just been at a stand still.

Working from home has gotten really old. Hours run into days, run into weeks. Each day is exactly the same as the previous one. Weekends don’t feel much different. Just existing from one day to the next.

It makes me reflect on the story of Noah. He and his family and all the animals were in the ark for 371 days! (40 days of rain, light rain of 110 days, 74 days till the water receded enough for Noah to see the tops of the mountains, 7 days later Noah sends the first dove, 7 days later another five, another 7 days later and the final dove. Then another 29 days and the ark cover was removed. And then, finally, another 57 days later Noah and his family disembarked.

If Noah can be in the ark with all the animals for 371 days, I know I can endure another month or so of this lockdown.

It will have been just over a year since the first lockdown when predictions in England say we can see some sense of normality. The seriousness of the infections are reduced by the vaccination program. And soon we are sending out our first dove by finally getting our kids back in school. It’s not quite 7 days later when shops can reopen, but I certainly am looking forward to that second dove being send out to search for dry land!

Then God told Noah, “Come out of the ark. And bring the animals with you so they can be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” So Noah and his family came out with all the animals (Genesis 8:13–19).

Noah was faithful in his obedience and devotion to God. He must have felt that God had forgotten then during those 371 days floating around. We don’t read much about those days, but if I feel cooped up after 100 days, I can certainly imagine how Noah and his family must have felt. He waited obediently till God told him to come out of the ark. It was safe for them all to start repopulating the earth.

And that’s what I’ll do. Faithfully wait till it’s declared safe to go about our business once again. Yet, through this all, I am more convinced than ever that this is My Fathers world. He has not forgotten us, He cares for us as much as He did keeping Noah safe.

With only a few weeks to go to Easter, this is a great time to reflect on that. The great sacrifice He made to be our ‘ark’, our rescue.

Speak Lord, your servant is ready to hear…..

Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

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In Europe we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the same way our American neighbours do. However, that does not mean we are less thankful!! It’s actually a great opportunity to reflect on the last year and give thanks to Him who has blessed us greatly.

This year has been a hard year, with Covid being on the forefront of everyone’s mind am sure. Sickness, death, job losses, money problems, mental health issues… you name it… Life as we knew it is no more.

Still, I am thankful for all He has lead me through, good and bad.. He is still in control and still the Saviour of my life! And that makes me feel blessed!

So I am taking this moment to also thank all of you. I am grateful for the support I receive in all that I do. I hope I can be as supportive of you.

Thankful for another year, grateful for all my friends and family and blessed because He loves me and cares for me!

A Time For Reflection

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Another year has passed. It’s less than 8 weeks to Christmas. The US presidential election is still undecided. And we are back in a total lockdown… events just keep unfolding, and time just keeps on flying. It certainly gives me time to reflect and think about all that is going on in this world.

As I write this, I can hear the family walking up the stairs singing. So sweet, they are bringing cards and little presents. Still I can’t shake the feeling this is just another one of those days of which many have passed already in the last 9 months. I don’t know why I struggle so much with this forced lockdown. Even though I rarely go out anyways, when someone tells you you can’t do something it feels just worse!

Since I have come back from the US I have volunteered at the One Vision (link below) where I can. Sorting food, clothes, refilling the store etc. And by doing so I am focused on others more than myself. With each foodcan I put down or plastic bag I fill I am reminded how blessed I truly am. N

I have no financial struggle, a warm house, and still the ability to enjoy another birthday! It sure puts things in prospective.

Melody and I are also about to attend our first virtual Christmas market with our handmade crochet items. You can find the (growing) collection on our Shopify page (https://tapandco.myshopify.com). This will be a totally new experience, thanks to the lockdown. A little reminder that Christmas is coming!

With that, I can truly say I am thankful. And blessed.

I would encourage you to find light in this dark tunnel. And find a listening ear if you are struggling. There are many wonderful support groups that can be reached, and many individuals who unselfishly give up their time to care for others. It provides a different prospective. And I am also very willing to be the listening ear, or be the other face on a zoom social. Just contact me and let me know.

A Time for Everything

1Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses.

2He sets the time for birth and the time for death,

the time for planting and the time for pulling up,

3the time for killing and the time for healing,

the time for tearing down and the time for building.

4He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy,

the time for mourning and the time for dancing,

5the time for making love and the time for not making love,

the time for kissing and the time for not kissing.

6He sets the time for finding and the time for losing,

the time for saving and the time for throwing away,

7the time for tearing and the time for mending,

the time for silence and the time for talk.

8He sets the time for love and the time for hate,

the time for war and the time for peace.

9What do we gain from all our work? 10I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. 11He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does. 12So I realized that all we can do is to be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. 13All of us should eat and drink and enjoy what we have worked for. It is God’s gift.

14I know that everything God does will last for ever. You can’t add anything to it or take anything away from it. And one thing God does is to make us stand in awe of him. 15Whatever happens or can happen has already happened before. God makes the same thing happen again and again.

https://www.onevisionproject.org

Mental Health Day

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Yesterday was the global mental health day. The world health organisation finds mental health important enough to have a yearly day dedicated to it. It’s even more appropriate this year with so many people suffering from poor mental health, of course brought on by the Covid pandemic restrictions.

I too find myself impacted by and barely coping with all that has gone on in the world in the last 8 months. The world as we know it is no more. The outlook of it returning to something similar is slim. And I too am wondering what that means for my long term goals. The speed of change is so fast, it’s very hard to keep up. Every day something else changes from the day before.

By now I am probably Covid fatigued. I understand the need to protect, but something inside me is starting to be rebellious. The impact of the restrictions are now being felt in all layers of society. More and more people are not taking the restrictions serious, tired of being told how to live.

Geert has been furloughed since April. He is now working just 16 hours a week. For a pastor that is so hard. Just when people are looking for guidance and answers, our pastors are not able to be the spiritual leaders we want. And the uncertainty that goes with it.. will he loose his job? Even the ‘street pastor’ program in Watford town centre is on hold for fear of getting or spreading Covid. People will miss out on the opportunity to have someone pray with them.

With him there are many others in similar situations. At church we have a charity called ‘One Vision’ which is busier than ever bringing food to people who can’t go out or have no means to buy. They also launched their branch of Mental health wellbeing yesterday to coincide with World Mental Health day. You may want to check out the website or find them on Facebook.

Jesus said not to worry. He knows the little birds and cares for them as much as He knows and cares for me. Borrowing trouble from tomorrow may make us miss opportunities today. Opportunities to be grateful and do good.

Something I am trying to keep in mind and apply to my own life.

‘Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

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Trusting is the Hardest Thing

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Don’t you have it sometimes, when all things just come together in a bad way, and you do not know if you need to turn right or left? Trusting that Someone is still in control is not so easy. You want to just do your own thing, and hope for the best, as you think that is ultimately Gods way.

God uses every decision we make, that’s very true. He will not let us fall, and He will always be there to catch us if we do. But sometimes it feels He is so far away.

I find myself caught once again, not knowing what will happen, or how things will unfold. The Covid situation has many folks spooked, including me. Masks are mandatory everywhere, so it’s very visible wherever you turn. Even if shops are mostly stocked again, the thought of the second wave is never far away. The news won’t let us forget it even if we tried! We are told to stay sensible or there will be another lock down.

The economy has a huge impact. Job losses, protection of self… similar in Europe as in America. We keep each other updated, calls, texts, Facebook. We hear from friends and co workers about those who suffer. Money is tight for many people and thank God there are charities like the One Vision in Watford who help those most afflicted!

I guess I can count myself blessed I did not loose my job like so many others.

This seems like a very somber post, but really it’s just trying to tell myself God is still in control. It’s His world, as the beautiful song says

This is my Father’s world.
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

The writer referenced Jacob’s exclamation “the Lord is in this place” from Genesis 28:16

Trusting Him is hard, especially when you can’t see the road, or where it’s leading to. But He is not forgotten about me or you. The Lord is in this place!

Service

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11 Jesus answered, “What if one of you has a sheep and it falls into a deep hole on the Sabbath? Will you not take hold of it and lift it out? 12 And a human being is worth much more than a sheep! So then, our Law does allow us to help someone on the Sabbath.”

This passage comes from Matt 12 (verse 11 and 12) and is quite controversial. It is Jewish custom to protect the day of rest. Many rules have been created to ensure the Sabbath commandment ‘keep the Sabbath day holy and do no work’ is kept. Rules that may seem a little excessive vary between carrying, writing, cooking etc. This article is quite informative -> https://www.ou.org/holidays/shabbat/the_thirty_nine_categories_of_sabbath_work_prohibited_by_law/

Being non Jewish, I find these rules hard to understand. But what’s allowed on the sabbath, the day of rest, is still a very burning question amongst many of us. Some things are frowned upon, others are plain dividing subjects. Playing games, going swimming.. as if it’s diminishing this beautiful day of rest. A day set aside to spend in communion with God and our fellow humans.

During this intense period of Covid laws, we have been protecting our medical personnel. We don’t want to put our doctors in a position where they have to choose who dies and who lives. Many folks have had to stay confined in their homes as they are in high risk categories. Many charities try and cater for this category of people, bringing food and groceries. And the old discussion starts up again. Is this allowed to be done on a sabbath?

Jesus said that the day of rest was created for man, so he could be in communication with his Maker. He also said that which is done for the least of us, we do for Him. Serving is a true sign of love for God and love for man.

Another day of rest is starting. The busy week is passed and the weekend is here. Time to rest, do good and communicate.

As a family we have Zoom meetings each weekend, usually on Saturday. Our way of communicating, spending time together and being in fellowship together. I am looking forward to it. Time set aside. In the same way as I set time aside to sided with my Maker.

And if I can do good in that process too, by doing something for my fellow earthly occupants l, I feel I have spent the sabbath as was intended in Matt 12.

You joining me?

Rest

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Some days are harder than other ones. Am sure we all experience it. Some days you don’t feel like getting up, or getting into your normal routine. Working from home seems to take away the boundary between your own life and your work life. So that feeling of not wanting to start a day is more profound.

Having stayed home now for 4 months, focusing on things to do at home, planning outings outside the home as swift as possible, it makes you reassess lots of things. I love being out and about, exploring, shopping, going places. But it’s not safe yet in the same way as it was last year. Hobbies at home is the thing.. I have discovered I love writing with fountain pens, I read more, and I crochet. My Netflix list is getting smaller and I rediscovered my love for history and documentaries.

In all that though, rest seems to have been given a new meaning. Previously rest was done in your house when you returned from being out. What is rest now? It’s ceasing activity, and relaxing the body. But with the always on mentality now working from home it’s so much harder to find true rest.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7

That verse has gotten new meaning for me too. I am very much a worrier, which does not make things easier. But that verse in the Bible tells me to tell God about all my thoughts and worries and anxiety and in return He will give me rest. This is true rest. Rest for the soul. It’s a stop thinking of my self and start trusting He will give me peace. This is not the rest of relaxation but the rest of a soul that trusts in God.

Today is another day of Sabbath rest. Another opportunity to cease normal life and focus only on Him. And that is what I am going to try to do. To stop carrying my worries and turning it over to the One who promises me rest.

I hope you will find rest today also.