infertility

BMI…The Be All, End All of Fertility

melodytap1 Comment

Who would have thought that BMI could dictate so much in life…for something that was created in the 1800s by a man who was a mathematician, not even a scientist/doctor/physician, it has an insane amount of power when it comes to whether you are eligible for fertility treatments or not.

So lets look at the history of BMI…a Belgian man in the 1800s developed what was known as the Quetelet Index. It was used to find the ‘ideal man’ or ‘socially ideal human person’. He measured thousands of men (all Caucasian western European men) and compared them to find the ideal weight. He found that weight typically increased in relation to the square height of men. It did not measure the health of the individuals but only the height and the weight.

Notice anything weird in that? Fertility is measured using a scale that was used to measure men…not women…men…and definitely didn’t factor in the health of the men…

The history then carries on…in the 1970s an American physiologist and dietician used the Quetelet’s Index as a way to quickly screen for obesity. Exactly in the same way as in the 1800s…the test was done on thousands of ‘healthy’ men from 12 different sample groups.

So again…the test is done on men…not women…it also doesn’t take into account the health of the individuals. Its a known fact that muscle weighs more than fat…so in that regards, most elite athletes are classified as ‘overweight’ according to the BMI scale.

So here I am…a 31 year old who definitely isn’t in the best shape of her life…life has thrown me so many curveballs that doing exercise, etc, was far off my agenda. Not only have I had 2 major operations on my womb in the last 5 years…I also have EDS (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) so I’m super hypermobile and all my joints dislocate and tear easily. After my second operation in 2022, I started walking to try and lose weight for the wedding…and after a successful couple weeks, I end up injuring my foot…didn’t even feel it happen…just one day I could barely put any weight on my foot. Now luckily my fiancé is a runner and is very used to foot injuries, so he reassured me it would be a couple weeks/months and it should be better…but…EDS…the joys…its now 6 months later and I’ve been to the GP…my foot feels like it re rips every couple days…So now I’m being referred to the muscular skeletal department to get a scan done and might need an operation to fix whatever I’ve done to my foot.

Now you might be wondering what that has to do with fertility. Well…after 6 months of trying, the GP wanted to discuss how its all going for me…you have to remember that I have had 2 major operations and still have fibroids in my womb. So time is not on our side. We have all our tests done and the only outcome is that we will be referred to the fertility clinic for further help.

This is where BMI comes in…I am 5ft2 (155cm) and weigh 84kg after having lost some weight after my recovery. I know I am not thin or fat. I know I am average. But according to the fertility clinic, I am too fat to get pregnant. They gave me a website to get some support and the ideal weight they want to be…let me tell you, when I logged into the website and saw what they wanted me to weigh…I burst into tears and laughed at the same time! 51kg…51! so I would need to lose 33kg!!! I went onto the BMI calculator and their ‘healthy ideal weight’ for me is between 44.4kg and 60.1kg…44kg…like what!? I don’t think I’ve weighed 44kg since I was a kid!

I have been on a calorie deficit diet for months now and still struggling to lose weight. The GP reassured me that that’s an unfortunate side effect of EDS. But its still frustrating when they want me to lose that 33kg before being taken seriously with the fertility clinic. The support that they gave me was vouchers to go on slimming world…which does NOT work for me. I refuse to lose the weight in an unhealthy, unmanageable way for me.

So what now?

I’m stuck…I’m lost…I’m frustrated…

Here I am…31 years old…struggling to lose weight, not getting any support from the fertility clinic…and yet…everyone around me is getting pregnant…every week I see posts of pregnancy announcements…and no matter how happy I am for them…it breaks my heart a little more each time…especially when they weigh the same, or even more than me…but I’m too fat to get pregnant.

Infertility is a lonely and frustrating journey. A year of negative tests, a year of trying to work on myself to be in a better position and just getting knock back after knock back. A year of taking all the supplements recommended to me by my GP and Surgeon. A year of changing my diet to help in whatever way I can. Nothing to show for it…Yes I’ve lost 4kg in the last couple months…but I’ve been struggling to lose more…

If you know someone who is struggling and frustrated…its not personal if they need time away from you if you just announced your pregnancy…its the fact that we are being let down by healthcare around the world. All because a guy in the 1800s did a ‘test’.

BMI is a silly concept that I wish would disappear. Too many GPs agree that it should never be about weight when you are trying to conceive and need help. And yet…here we are in 2023 and BMI is the only thing they use to say whether you are a good candidate to be helped or not…

I started today with doing gentle exercises that will hopefully help…I am trying to keep my head up…but its ok not to be ok…

Living with a hidden (not so hidden) illness…part 7

melodytap1 Comment

Living with fibroids is hard. Not matter the size, they affect everything. Some won’t know they even have them, but a lot will have the symptoms but just think ‘oh it’s just a heavy period’ ‘oh it’s just how it is for me’ etc. They are sneaky hidden tumours that can affect so much.

Yes we got great news last year in regards to how my operation and recovery went. But the new hurdle has started. Having fibroids and having had 2 open myomectomies, my womb is weaker and this means that it’ll be harder to get pregnant.

I left off in the last blog that we were trying. Well its been 9 months now with no success. I know that that doesn’t mean a lot yet, as it takes on average a year of trying before women get pregnant. What has been the hardest throughout this though is social media. The targeted ads, the posts of friends with success, the celebrities announcing their good news, and more targeted ads.

Its been tough…seeing others get what you want is really hard. Of course I’m elated for anyone who gets pregnant and want the best for them, but if I’m completely honest…I’m jealous. The targeted ads however, hit a raw nerve. The constant ads for maternity clothes or fertility stuff or baby items…no matter how many times I hide it or say I’m not interested…my feeds on facebook, instagram and tiktok are still filled with it. Meaning I can never forget about it…I can never put struggling with infertility behind me. I am constantly reminded of it.

The monthly cycle of being optimistic and then the crushing reality when the symptoms of a period appear…it takes it out of you. Months fly past and the disappointment and emotions don’t get any less, but my frustration grows. Not so much at the situation we’re in, but the fact that I’m getting annoyed every month. I am trying to relax as much as I can and to not think about it. But the regular calls with the GP and fertility clinic, the medication every day, the diet, the products I need to stay away from now (antihistamines!!!!!), my entire lifestyle has changed in order for us to have the best shot possible. So its hard to ignore the situation, and lonely.

We, women, don’t talk enough about infertility. It affects so many of us and yet we all feel alone. Is it because we ‘shouldn’t’ be talking about it? a taboo topic? or just that we feel let down by our bodies? I know for myself, I feel ashamed…our bodies and cycles are made to be able to get pregnant…and no matter what…we just keep getting negative test after negative test. Its a very lonely journey which is really hard to talk about.

I don’t have the answer…I wish I did…I’m learning to be more open about how I’m feeling to Steve (my fiancé) and to my friends. Some are unfortunately also in the same boat as me, and that has helped. One thing I have massively learnt throughout this all is that our feelings are valid. It is completely valid to feel jealousy of another when you want that so badly but cant for some reason. It is valid to feel sad when the period symptoms start at the end of the cycle. It is valid to cry when the period starts and you mourn another month of not being pregnant.

I don’t know what the future has in store for Steve and I. I don’t know if a baby is in our future. I don’t know how long it might take. All I know is that I have faith and Steve has faith that one day it will happen for us. Whether it is through natural means, IVF or through adoption. One day we will be parents and we will love that child unconditionally. But until then, doing little bits here and there to help relax and to try and focus on other things in our life. Luckily we have a wedding to plan for (which is a whole other stress and story!!!) which is helping to take our minds off things. For now the fibroids are under control and have shrunk for the first time ever. I will be monitored for the next few years to make sure that they don’t grow. We know that a hysterectomy is still on the horizon, but for now its further away than we initially thought.

Fertility/infertility is not easy. But you are not alone and your feelings are valid. We’ve got this!