Sorrow

We are all different. We all experience events differently. We all have different coping mechanisms. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade…. some say… don’t worry about tomorrow, is what God says… I care for you today and every day…

But then you hear the words from a doctor no one likes to hear… we are talking about lengthening life, not healing… and suddenly the crazy world is upside down….

My previous post I referred to my father in law being sick… now we know how very serious it is…

what to do next…. everyone has words of advise… diets to follow, pills to take… all meant very well ofcourse. No one wants to say goodbye…even if this world is not our home, we are still at home here and saying goodbye till we meet again is very hard.

How do I cope? I am very good at pushing things away… not thinking about it is better than trying to deal with it.. other members of my family are different… we are all so busy and suddenly we are all forced to slow down…

I have spent these last days in an imaginary world… a world of make believe.. where miracles happen… even if it’s just fairy tales, I know my God is in the miracle business… not all miracles have happy endings… but for sure our end is sure… He will come back to take us home. We will be reunited with our loved ones.

And that keeps me going more than anything!

Let these flames be a prolonging of my prayers….

Pancakes

It’s maybe not my all time favourite thing to eat, but it’s probably a very close second….Dutch pancakes with cheese and pineapple… or pancake with apple, cinnamon and sugar… or just simply pancake with stroop…. or I have been known to order all 3… just for me…

The family was deciding what to eat…. and it soon transpired that one of our nieces is waitressing at a pancake restaurant….as we would not have an opportunity to see her on our whirlwind visit, and we love pancakes… the decision was quickly made…. pannekoekenhuis!!!

A quick call to make the reservation, ensuring we would sit in her section, and asking if they would not tell her…. and off we went…

The family is loud… everyone talking over everyone else, laughing, joking…. but surprisingly she did not hear us until we all stood in the doorway, waiting to be seated…. judging by her face the surprise was a success… at least for us loud bunch…

The pancakes were delicious! Being waited on by one of the youngest nieces a pleasure… her boss allowed her to sit with us…. memories were made!!! we missed those not able to join..

My earlier post spoke about illness in the family, and the unknown ahead… that’s when these moments are most precious….

There is this song by The Isaacs… the words are below…

The sentence ‘I don’t know about tomorrow…. I just live from day to day…. I don’t borrow from it’s sunshine…..

It speaks to me…

we may not see each other again… but the pancake moments remain!!

I know who holds tomorrow

i don’t know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don’t borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don’t worry o’er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I’ll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead
Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand
I don’t know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the one who feeds the sparrow
Is the one who stands by me
And the path that be portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I’m covered with His blood
Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

Cousins

My grandfather used to say ‘the sun does not set over the Knopper family’. The reason was that his kids spread to corners of the earth. One to Australia, one to America… and my dad stayed home in the Netherlands…

The consequence of this was that family reunions were just with very small portions of the family. We grew up without knowing any of the cousins.

There is a picture of 1971 where we were all together… apparently.., I don’t remember it..

A few years ago, my Australian cousin met up with us in Luxembourg.. so nice to meet! A familiarity immediately there.

Last year I met up with my American cousin… same thing… I wrote an earlier blog about that.

As I am regularly in America, I finally was able to arrange to spend some time with my cousin. Catching up on uhm… some 47 years of missing history… he remembers stories about my grandparents from what I don’t remember or was too young for.

A drive into the Smokey Mountains was the setting for all this..

Below a few pictures of that…

I know the sun will continue to shine over the Knopper family and not set.. as cousins have families, equally spread out in their respective countries…

One day we will have that total family reunion…it may have to wait till we are all Home with Jesus though!

Living with a hidden (not so hidden) illness…Part 2

So here I am almost a year after writing part 1. I thought it was about high time that I updated everyone with my situation as a lot has happened over the last year!

So back in the beginning of the year, I had just had enough of waiting and so I made another appointment with my GP to chase what was happening. I finally found a GP who took my case seriously and chased it up for me straight away.

Fast forward a couple months and here I was waiting at the hospital for my first appointment in almost 2 years! I knew that I wasn’t going to be seeing the same specialist as last time which made me a bit nervous. However, the second I met my new doctor, that anxiety went away. I explained my case to him and he was upset to hear that my case had ‘slipped through the cracks’ for so long.

Well this is where it all changed for me. Normally these appointments only last about 10 minutes and I tend to come out of them still as confused about what is happening than when I went in. Well this time, the specialist took a long time to really understand my situation and to update the notes on the system to include as much detail as possible. He took the time to really explain to me what was happening inside my body and what my options were. Well, lack there of. He called in the head of department and between the two of them, they fully discussed my situation with me and put me at ease.

After a quick feel of my abdomen, they noted very quickly that unfortunately my fibroids and my uterus had hardened meaning my only option was for surgery. And not just a small surgery which we had all hoped for…but quite a serious one. My fibroids had hardened at 15x15cm. This meant that my uterus had grown to the size of 7 month pregnancy. All of these factors meant that the surgery incision would have to be a midline incision from above my belly button…all the way down. They tried to put me at ease saying that I should get an anchor tattoo afterwards to hide the scar and something that is fitting with me.

After about 5 minutes of laughing and coming up with ideas…they sat me down and talked me through the procedure and the recovery time. This was the bit I was most afraid of. When the doctor starts the sentence with ‘There is one more thing and some women think that this is outrageous…’ my mind instantly fills in the blanks. I knew a hysterectomy could be on the cards for me. I had been previously told that the risk was extremely high considering my situation. However my chance was actually at less than 1%!!!! AND the chance of having kids afterwards would be high! So not only would I be getting my life back, but my chance of having kids wasn’t completely ripped away from me!

45 minutes later I finally left the hospital knowing exactly what the plan of action was. And here we are…less than a month away from my operation. Yes my anxiety plays up from time to time thinking of all the ‘what ifs’ but I am just going to take it one day at a time.

First things first…I have a lovely trip away with my mum for a well deserved holiday (for mum) and a great distraction for me! See you on the other side!!

Life Unexpected

People get sick… we know that, can see it all around us…. sometimes you browse through the Facebook news feed and suddenly you are struck by another person battling diseases or tragic events. As it’s someone else’s life, you comment with a sad emoji or a short message.

These things happen to other people … not in the own family circle.

My uncle recently passed away, brain cancer… the word no one wants to be associated with..

Very sad indeed…

The bomb shell really came Friday though…. my father in law…. lung cancer…

how is that even possible.. he does not smoke… never ever smoked…

Incomprehensible… and sad

Jesus told us the story about the little birds… those no one really notices anymore.. they are not colourful or rare… He said ‘look at those birds… they don’t worry about tomorrow.. they don’t worry where their next meal is coming from…’

‘Please you do not worry either… The Father knows you’

These are the words of Tommy Walker on the song ‘He knows my name’

I have a Maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

My life was in his hands

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And He hears me when I call

And the YouTube clip:

Life is tough sometimes… all you want to do is curl up and let the day pass…. no matter how unexpected life can be and no matter what each of us is going through… He knows us! Our lives matter!!

We do not know what the future holds for my father in law…

All we can do is pray..

28 Years

‘We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love’ Dr Seuss.

28 years have passed since we said ‘I Do’ before friends and family. Not all years have been easy, we have had our own ups and downs and life has thrown us a few lemons. However, after so many years I can still say I am glad to make lemonade with the one I love. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter who is a blended mix between us. Life is good.

My husband sometimes says we survive cause I am gone so much… 100000 miles just this year, and it’s only September. Maybe a part time marriage. But I don’t feel that way. Distance is never nice, east west home best…. but it has taught us to treasury the little things… like FaceTime and WhatsApp. Without that, it’s a whole lot harder to stay connected.

I like the quote from Dr Seuss… some call it weird, others call it unique. We all are unique… and finding that special one who allows us to be our own kind of unique is a treasure…

Blessed……

Miranda

Whale Watching

I wish I could express with a picture the amazement I felt when we saw the first whales today. A mother and it’s baby. So graceful through the water! Melody said the mum was teaching the young to breath. We saw another 7 at the various spots the boat took us. Amazing!!!

We could get in the water at whale island, so named as the island sometimes spews water. Just as we were about to graciously drop ourselves off the boat another whale passed by! How cool!!!

As I said… I wish I had pictures… am sure Melody will upload a little clip.

In the mean time, here are some snaps from the beach location… a little bit of heaven on earth…

In case you were wondering where? Uvita, Costa Rica… it feels like holiday… I may not come back!!!

Costa Rica Adventure

Did you know that some hummingbirds are as small as bees? They are the most amazing little creatures, with their ability to fly backwards and flap their wings so fast you can’t see them…

Costa Rica has these beautiful little birds in abundance and this weekend Melody and myself were privileged to be taken out by friends where we saw loads.

It was an early morning start.. breakfast in the hotel had only just started, so I was at least able to get some coffee… the first stop was therefore breakfast in San Jose.. with coffee in a traditional little coffee pot… then on to the national gardens about 2 hours south east. That’s where we saw the hummingbirds… I tried to take pictures, but that’s just not possible with a phone.. they move so fast!

We had a great walk through the forest, where we also saw beautiful woodpeckers.. if you are a bird watcher there was lots there!

After a slightly strenuous walk, we went to a trout farm for lunch.. we gave the fishing a miss.. but ate some very fresh trout freshly caught.

I love seeing and experiencing all these things on my travels. I know I am privileged and blessed that people are willing to show me around.

Below a selection of snaps of the day… minus the hummingbirds… you just have to believe I saw all different kinds!!

To end it all, there were several smaller earthquakes here… the bed shakes. Rather alarming!

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Melody is ready for a new adventure

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The crew
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Coffee is served
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Costa Rica style

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yum!
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Sigh…. how much further?
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Fern…..

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Mels hair blends in
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Ready for the rain

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Applepie!

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Expectations

Everyone has them… expectations… especially on other people… how a person should act, dress, behave, raise their kids, love their parents etc..

And then we have expectations on ourselves… what we should achieve, do etc.

I am the wife if a pastor, and although we live in the 21st century, and my husband co pastors a large reasonably modern church there are expectations.. not just on me, but also my husband and daughter… it’s expected to contribute in a certain way. I am away a lot, so some of that transfers to my daughter too. When a member expresses how my husband should behave as a pastor it hurts too… I also have expectations on myself as to how I should live my life.. and I often let myself down too… especially being away so much (which also attracts comments)

Why am I writing this? Cause I read a recent article on self worth and what matters. Is it hard to look at yourself through someone’s expectations on you? Yes!! But it’s not needed to be hard. Our self worth comes through Jesus only. Only through His grace can we live up to our full potential. His expectations on us are that we accept His grace.

With that in mind, I will try to be not do hard on myself… it’s good to be reminded sometimes!!!

(And dad… am not sad!!)

The King’s daughter is all glorious within” Psalm 45:13

This and That

Quite a number of years ago there was a Dutch entry for the European Song Festival… the chorus had the sentence ‘een beetje van dit, een beetje van dat, een beetje zus, een beetje zo’… (English : a little bit of this, a little of that) Not sure why that song popped into my head but I guess it’s like that cause my thoughts are all messy…

My family is currently over the ocean, flying to Tobago to celebrate with the bride and groom there.. a wedding on the beach, how awesome is that! Sad I can’t join them, an experience I have to live through their eyes backed up by photos and FaceTime (what would we do without it).. meanwhile I am busy at work, currently in the US, which feels less like home now I am staying in hotels again..

Am sitting here in the Mall of America, eating an ice cream, listening to all the screaming from the people in the rides in the theme park in it.

Carefree they are, not burdened yet by all we as ‘responsible’ people deal with on a daily basis…

Jesus said ‘be as the kids, as they will inherit the Kingdom’

Maybe that is my topic of today… it does not matter where we all are, as long as we can enjoy and share together.. and be spontaneous and carefree as the kids are…

See, this and that… really nothing much…