faith

Living with a hidden (not so hidden) illness…part 7

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Living with fibroids is hard. Not matter the size, they affect everything. Some won’t know they even have them, but a lot will have the symptoms but just think ‘oh it’s just a heavy period’ ‘oh it’s just how it is for me’ etc. They are sneaky hidden tumours that can affect so much.

Yes we got great news last year in regards to how my operation and recovery went. But the new hurdle has started. Having fibroids and having had 2 open myomectomies, my womb is weaker and this means that it’ll be harder to get pregnant.

I left off in the last blog that we were trying. Well its been 9 months now with no success. I know that that doesn’t mean a lot yet, as it takes on average a year of trying before women get pregnant. What has been the hardest throughout this though is social media. The targeted ads, the posts of friends with success, the celebrities announcing their good news, and more targeted ads.

Its been tough…seeing others get what you want is really hard. Of course I’m elated for anyone who gets pregnant and want the best for them, but if I’m completely honest…I’m jealous. The targeted ads however, hit a raw nerve. The constant ads for maternity clothes or fertility stuff or baby items…no matter how many times I hide it or say I’m not interested…my feeds on facebook, instagram and tiktok are still filled with it. Meaning I can never forget about it…I can never put struggling with infertility behind me. I am constantly reminded of it.

The monthly cycle of being optimistic and then the crushing reality when the symptoms of a period appear…it takes it out of you. Months fly past and the disappointment and emotions don’t get any less, but my frustration grows. Not so much at the situation we’re in, but the fact that I’m getting annoyed every month. I am trying to relax as much as I can and to not think about it. But the regular calls with the GP and fertility clinic, the medication every day, the diet, the products I need to stay away from now (antihistamines!!!!!), my entire lifestyle has changed in order for us to have the best shot possible. So its hard to ignore the situation, and lonely.

We, women, don’t talk enough about infertility. It affects so many of us and yet we all feel alone. Is it because we ‘shouldn’t’ be talking about it? a taboo topic? or just that we feel let down by our bodies? I know for myself, I feel ashamed…our bodies and cycles are made to be able to get pregnant…and no matter what…we just keep getting negative test after negative test. Its a very lonely journey which is really hard to talk about.

I don’t have the answer…I wish I did…I’m learning to be more open about how I’m feeling to Steve (my fiancé) and to my friends. Some are unfortunately also in the same boat as me, and that has helped. One thing I have massively learnt throughout this all is that our feelings are valid. It is completely valid to feel jealousy of another when you want that so badly but cant for some reason. It is valid to feel sad when the period symptoms start at the end of the cycle. It is valid to cry when the period starts and you mourn another month of not being pregnant.

I don’t know what the future has in store for Steve and I. I don’t know if a baby is in our future. I don’t know how long it might take. All I know is that I have faith and Steve has faith that one day it will happen for us. Whether it is through natural means, IVF or through adoption. One day we will be parents and we will love that child unconditionally. But until then, doing little bits here and there to help relax and to try and focus on other things in our life. Luckily we have a wedding to plan for (which is a whole other stress and story!!!) which is helping to take our minds off things. For now the fibroids are under control and have shrunk for the first time ever. I will be monitored for the next few years to make sure that they don’t grow. We know that a hysterectomy is still on the horizon, but for now its further away than we initially thought.

Fertility/infertility is not easy. But you are not alone and your feelings are valid. We’ve got this!

Living with a hidden (not so hidden) illness…Part 5

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So it has been a couple years since my last blog post and I wish I could say that I was done with this story…Unfortunately that is not the case.

Rewind to late 2020 and I started noticing that it was becoming uncomfortable to lie on my stomach and that something didn’t feel right. After some badgering by my other half, I begrudgingly called the doctor to make an appointment. Fast forward to the start of 2021 and Covid is still in full swing meaning that doctors appointments are just phone consultations at first. It didn’t take long for the doctor to realise that I need to go back for another ultrasound.

After my surgery they had given me around 5 years before the fibroids reappeared but here I was…2 1/2 years after my operation and knowing something was wrong. It took a little time for my ultrasound to happen and the nerves were definitely high. At this point my womb had started growing again and the familiar signs were back, however I tried to stay positive and had thought that maybe it was just adhesions after the operation. However, no matter how much you try to stay positive…sometimes your gut feeling is just too strong.

Summer of 2021 and it was time for my ultrasound…with Covid still being around, no one could go in with me, so I had to stay strong. It was apparent very quickly though that it was worst case scenario…the fibroids were back and there were already 2 large fibroids. The lady doing the ultrasound was super sweet and reassuring because as you can imagine…I didn’t take the news well…I was fighting tears and feeling numb at the same time. Not only were the fibroids back and large…but they also told me that I probably had about a year or 2 to have a baby in with minimal risk. Those that know me, know that I would love to become a mum one day and have dreamt about it for a long time.

It has been several months now since the scan and in all honesty, I am still numb…I am still coming to terms with the news. What made it harder for me was that I had just started my relationship with my other half a couple weeks before the first lockdown in the UK and just over a year later we get the news of the fibroids. I had gotten myself so worked up on the drive over to him and was so scared that that was going to be it for us. But luckily he took it as well as could be expected.

Now here we are, at the end of 2021…I have just had an MRI a couple days ago and we are staying positive for the year 2022 that we’ll be able to either have a baby safely or have some form of treatment that gives us some extra time. I am still numb and still beat myself up occasionally but there are more positive thoughts and hope for the future.

So yes, my fibroids are back and that sucks, but there is hope…and that’s what we are holding on to. Here’s to a great 2022!

Season of Change

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So much Covid time has passed and the inspiration to write has passed with it. The world has been upside down and is now slowly making its way back to a new sense of normal. Like the Spanish Flu in the years 1918-1920, this season is slowly passing. 50 million people died due to the Spanish flu, about 5 million so far due to Covid. But more people are vaccinated now and that means less risk to get new Covid mutations. And that gives hope!

I sit here reflecting on the year and I am probably not alone in thinking this has been one of the most isolating year in my lifetime.

About 3 or 4 generations have passed since the last pandemic of the Spanish flu. Maybe it will take another 3 or 4 generations till the impact of the current pandemic is no longer remembered.

But life is certainly not all bad. Many opportunities have arisen during this period too. Opportunities to spend time, to help out, to re-energise, re-asses priorities and reflect. I have discovered truly beautiful nature in the area I live in. Time spend walking outside, or just driving around have been treasured. Grocery shopping became an outing, chatting with my daughter (ok.. some lockdown rules were broken….) and I don’t even like grocery shopping!!

Time will tell how people will respond to the renewed season of our lives. It’s often said that in times of change people realise they need Jesus. Even though churches will need to reflect also on this new way of doing things, I hope the church can truly make a continued difference in people’s lives.

When Jesus went from village to village He instilled this sense of belonging to the family of God in people. He spend time with those that needed it most, or wanted it most. He urged the woman at the well to go tell everyone. Many of the people He healed he asked to talk about Jesus love for people.

That’s our continued task also, to be His hands and feet here on this earth till we meet Him face to face. In this season of uncertainty and change, He is certain and unchanged. He loves us just as much as He did 2 years ago.

For sure that’s what I will continue to try and do. To love people where they are and be His hands and feet in my own little corner and my own little way. I hope you will too. So our future generations can look back at this period as the time when Jesus was truly manifested in our lives.

Lock Down

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It has been many weeks since I last wrote a post. The weeks have totally run into each other, with the latest lockdown that started before Christmas. It seems so long ago already, but with most of December, all of January, February and March still to come, the world has just been at a stand still.

Working from home has gotten really old. Hours run into days, run into weeks. Each day is exactly the same as the previous one. Weekends don’t feel much different. Just existing from one day to the next.

It makes me reflect on the story of Noah. He and his family and all the animals were in the ark for 371 days! (40 days of rain, light rain of 110 days, 74 days till the water receded enough for Noah to see the tops of the mountains, 7 days later Noah sends the first dove, 7 days later another five, another 7 days later and the final dove. Then another 29 days and the ark cover was removed. And then, finally, another 57 days later Noah and his family disembarked.

If Noah can be in the ark with all the animals for 371 days, I know I can endure another month or so of this lockdown.

It will have been just over a year since the first lockdown when predictions in England say we can see some sense of normality. The seriousness of the infections are reduced by the vaccination program. And soon we are sending out our first dove by finally getting our kids back in school. It’s not quite 7 days later when shops can reopen, but I certainly am looking forward to that second dove being send out to search for dry land!

Then God told Noah, “Come out of the ark. And bring the animals with you so they can be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” So Noah and his family came out with all the animals (Genesis 8:13–19).

Noah was faithful in his obedience and devotion to God. He must have felt that God had forgotten then during those 371 days floating around. We don’t read much about those days, but if I feel cooped up after 100 days, I can certainly imagine how Noah and his family must have felt. He waited obediently till God told him to come out of the ark. It was safe for them all to start repopulating the earth.

And that’s what I’ll do. Faithfully wait till it’s declared safe to go about our business once again. Yet, through this all, I am more convinced than ever that this is My Fathers world. He has not forgotten us, He cares for us as much as He did keeping Noah safe.

With only a few weeks to go to Easter, this is a great time to reflect on that. The great sacrifice He made to be our ‘ark’, our rescue.

Speak Lord, your servant is ready to hear…..

Narnia

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CS Lewis wrote the Narnia Chronicles in the 50s, having converted to Christianity in the late 20s. It is based on kids finding a mythical world in a wardrobe and overcoming their own fears in the progress of the story. It’s certainly a series worth reading. Many see the books as a Christian allegory, with Aslan as the Son of God.

Nothing actually says Christmas to me like the story of Aslan in Narnia. Aslan the lion who teaches the kids in the story about unselfish love and self sacrifice. The Lion gave up his life to save Edmund in the story, who had betrayed the Narnians and his siblings. By the death of the Lion, the boy was free to live and repent. It all ends well, the Lion is resurrected and the kids reign over Narnia which they freed from evil.

That’s the story of Christmas to me. Jesus came to this earth to teach us how to live with each other. Ultimately we betray and hurt each other, and in order to give us an opportunity to reconcile with the Father, Jesus gave up His life for us. The story starts of course with the babe Jesus, born in a manger.

Christmas is now past, but remembering Jesus is not just for Christmas. We remember his birth, but it’s worth to also look at His life and the lessons He teaches us daily. Maybe that would be a great way to start the new year 2021, which is almost here. To care for each other, to live in harmony with those around us and put our trust of these uncertain times in the life of Him who came to show us how to live.

May 2021 be the best year yet!

Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

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In Europe we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the same way our American neighbours do. However, that does not mean we are less thankful!! It’s actually a great opportunity to reflect on the last year and give thanks to Him who has blessed us greatly.

This year has been a hard year, with Covid being on the forefront of everyone’s mind am sure. Sickness, death, job losses, money problems, mental health issues… you name it… Life as we knew it is no more.

Still, I am thankful for all He has lead me through, good and bad.. He is still in control and still the Saviour of my life! And that makes me feel blessed!

So I am taking this moment to also thank all of you. I am grateful for the support I receive in all that I do. I hope I can be as supportive of you.

Thankful for another year, grateful for all my friends and family and blessed because He loves me and cares for me!

A Time For Reflection

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Another year has passed. It’s less than 8 weeks to Christmas. The US presidential election is still undecided. And we are back in a total lockdown… events just keep unfolding, and time just keeps on flying. It certainly gives me time to reflect and think about all that is going on in this world.

As I write this, I can hear the family walking up the stairs singing. So sweet, they are bringing cards and little presents. Still I can’t shake the feeling this is just another one of those days of which many have passed already in the last 9 months. I don’t know why I struggle so much with this forced lockdown. Even though I rarely go out anyways, when someone tells you you can’t do something it feels just worse!

Since I have come back from the US I have volunteered at the One Vision (link below) where I can. Sorting food, clothes, refilling the store etc. And by doing so I am focused on others more than myself. With each foodcan I put down or plastic bag I fill I am reminded how blessed I truly am. N

I have no financial struggle, a warm house, and still the ability to enjoy another birthday! It sure puts things in prospective.

Melody and I are also about to attend our first virtual Christmas market with our handmade crochet items. You can find the (growing) collection on our Shopify page (https://tapandco.myshopify.com). This will be a totally new experience, thanks to the lockdown. A little reminder that Christmas is coming!

With that, I can truly say I am thankful. And blessed.

I would encourage you to find light in this dark tunnel. And find a listening ear if you are struggling. There are many wonderful support groups that can be reached, and many individuals who unselfishly give up their time to care for others. It provides a different prospective. And I am also very willing to be the listening ear, or be the other face on a zoom social. Just contact me and let me know.

A Time for Everything

1Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses.

2He sets the time for birth and the time for death,

the time for planting and the time for pulling up,

3the time for killing and the time for healing,

the time for tearing down and the time for building.

4He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy,

the time for mourning and the time for dancing,

5the time for making love and the time for not making love,

the time for kissing and the time for not kissing.

6He sets the time for finding and the time for losing,

the time for saving and the time for throwing away,

7the time for tearing and the time for mending,

the time for silence and the time for talk.

8He sets the time for love and the time for hate,

the time for war and the time for peace.

9What do we gain from all our work? 10I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. 11He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does. 12So I realized that all we can do is to be happy and do the best we can while we are still alive. 13All of us should eat and drink and enjoy what we have worked for. It is God’s gift.

14I know that everything God does will last for ever. You can’t add anything to it or take anything away from it. And one thing God does is to make us stand in awe of him. 15Whatever happens or can happen has already happened before. God makes the same thing happen again and again.

https://www.onevisionproject.org

Mental Health Day

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Yesterday was the global mental health day. The world health organisation finds mental health important enough to have a yearly day dedicated to it. It’s even more appropriate this year with so many people suffering from poor mental health, of course brought on by the Covid pandemic restrictions.

I too find myself impacted by and barely coping with all that has gone on in the world in the last 8 months. The world as we know it is no more. The outlook of it returning to something similar is slim. And I too am wondering what that means for my long term goals. The speed of change is so fast, it’s very hard to keep up. Every day something else changes from the day before.

By now I am probably Covid fatigued. I understand the need to protect, but something inside me is starting to be rebellious. The impact of the restrictions are now being felt in all layers of society. More and more people are not taking the restrictions serious, tired of being told how to live.

Geert has been furloughed since April. He is now working just 16 hours a week. For a pastor that is so hard. Just when people are looking for guidance and answers, our pastors are not able to be the spiritual leaders we want. And the uncertainty that goes with it.. will he loose his job? Even the ‘street pastor’ program in Watford town centre is on hold for fear of getting or spreading Covid. People will miss out on the opportunity to have someone pray with them.

With him there are many others in similar situations. At church we have a charity called ‘One Vision’ which is busier than ever bringing food to people who can’t go out or have no means to buy. They also launched their branch of Mental health wellbeing yesterday to coincide with World Mental Health day. You may want to check out the website or find them on Facebook.

Jesus said not to worry. He knows the little birds and cares for them as much as He knows and cares for me. Borrowing trouble from tomorrow may make us miss opportunities today. Opportunities to be grateful and do good.

Something I am trying to keep in mind and apply to my own life.

‘Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Home

Sandy Beaches and Empty Shells

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Those who know me know I love shells. I can walk along the beach for hours, looking for the perfect shells. Especially shells still connected together (but empty!). I love the turned little shells, as well as big plain ones!! I collect them, all with the promise of one day doing something with them. That has not happened so far but my season is not over yet! Each trip I come back with more.

One of the most soothing sounds walking along the beach is the sound of the crashing waves. A long slow sound when the wind is calm. A rushing crashing sound when the wind is strong. Both are calming in its own way, that is.. as long as I have my feet firmly on the sand. I do get seasick quickly, so I prefer the sound over the experience of rolling waves!

Walking along the beach is a great time of reflection. Many facets of life are resolved, when the wind blows through my hair. Even as kids my dad took us often to the beach in the weekends. In stormy weather there was usually a cup of hot chocolate at the end of the walk. Those were probably the best walks! Any lingering cobweb in my head gets blown away, and after the walk I feel light, refreshed and ready for whatever is coming my way. My pockets jingling with shells… or seaglass…

Seaglass… old bottles battered around in the sea, broken up into pieces, and then sanded by the constant motion of the water. The result is a beautiful piece of so called sea glass, coveted and treasured. I love collecting these pieces too. These tell me a great story of no matter how battered and bruised I may get, I will get polished and come out beautiful at the other end.

If anything is an example of transformation, it’s seaglass!

There is this verse in the Bible in Malachi 3:3 that speaks about purification of silver and gold. I get reminded of that when I think about seaglass. We all have to be transformed, purified by the fire, just like silver and gold. That’s where our true worth comes out.

We may get battered and bruised in the process of our lives, but we will get transformed into something very valuable and beautiful. And when we are finally going home, Jesus will be waiting for us at the sea of glass, welcoming us with open arms. That’s when the biggest transformation will take place. We will be the most beautiful and shiny, walking hand in hand with our Father, who has not ever left us in our transformation process.

I can hardly wait for that moment!

Trusting is the Hardest Thing

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Don’t you have it sometimes, when all things just come together in a bad way, and you do not know if you need to turn right or left? Trusting that Someone is still in control is not so easy. You want to just do your own thing, and hope for the best, as you think that is ultimately Gods way.

God uses every decision we make, that’s very true. He will not let us fall, and He will always be there to catch us if we do. But sometimes it feels He is so far away.

I find myself caught once again, not knowing what will happen, or how things will unfold. The Covid situation has many folks spooked, including me. Masks are mandatory everywhere, so it’s very visible wherever you turn. Even if shops are mostly stocked again, the thought of the second wave is never far away. The news won’t let us forget it even if we tried! We are told to stay sensible or there will be another lock down.

The economy has a huge impact. Job losses, protection of self… similar in Europe as in America. We keep each other updated, calls, texts, Facebook. We hear from friends and co workers about those who suffer. Money is tight for many people and thank God there are charities like the One Vision in Watford who help those most afflicted!

I guess I can count myself blessed I did not loose my job like so many others.

This seems like a very somber post, but really it’s just trying to tell myself God is still in control. It’s His world, as the beautiful song says

This is my Father’s world.
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

The writer referenced Jacob’s exclamation “the Lord is in this place” from Genesis 28:16

Trusting Him is hard, especially when you can’t see the road, or where it’s leading to. But He is not forgotten about me or you. The Lord is in this place!