depression

Where do you get your Value

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Everything has its value. A gold coin is coveted for it value. A nice car, house and lovely kids give us status and value. We appreciate beautiful things and great experiences. We value the opinion of others and value their worth. What about our own value? How easy is it to feel appreciated and valued for your thoughts and opinions and just who you are?

It certainly has not been easy this last year. Mental health issues are constantly debated. The slogan “its ok to not be ok” is found in social media, in magazines and expressed on the television. But is it? When you are told what to do, where to stay and how to behave, our own value seems somehow diminished. Like we can’t decide for ourselves how to think. It seems our opinion is not valued.

It is no secret to those I have confided in that I have struggled and still do, this last year. My whole life has changed, like so many of us. My working life has been full of adapting, not just working from home, but also be stuck in the wrong time zone. When you are the only one in a timezone between the 2 you work in, the demands are very high. Working afternoon/evenings/nights and try and keep some sense of normality is very hard. From being on the road and alone to being stuck in the house with other people equally impacted is very hard. Furlough became a word that has meant being home, getting paid and not being able to contribute to society. It gives its own pressures and somehow feels like you are not valued (not me, but Geert and Melody) Even though it feels there is some light at the end of the tunnel, damage has already been done.

It seems I have put my value on who I am, rather than what I am worth. I have taken all these negative happenings in my own world and attributed that to myself as somehow a negative reflection. And I know we are blessed compared to those who have lost jobs, homes, lives and loved ones.

So it has me pondering. Where do I get my worth from?

In the Bible in Jeremiah 1 the beautiful verse is written that goes as follows: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” This speaks from an incredible intimacy. He puts value on us that is measured from the moment of conception and He wants what is best for us. Or Isaiah 43 where it says: “You are precious in my eyes” Throughout the Bible you can find all these versus that show how much God loves us individually and values us beyond measure. He values us and I am allowed to find my value in Him.

My feelings can’t be trusted, my self worth is often dented by happenings around me. But God loves me and puts so much value on me as His Child that He was willing to lay down His life for me. He was willing to restore the relationship between humans and Him in order to have us in His presence for eternity. I am learning each day to put my value in that. To not trust my own opinion, but to believe Gods opinion of me when He tells me I have value beyond measure.

There is light at the end of this tunnel. Life will return to some new normal. But the life lessons given to me in this dark world will stay with me forever. And I hope it will stay with you also.

“You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are.” — Max Lucado

A Change of Perspective

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So here I am, over a year since my last blog post, and not a lot has changed in my life…well actually, a lot has changed! This last year has been a year of growth and re-evaluations.

2019 was, in all honesty, not a great year for me. Depression and anxiety had a firm grip on me and I started to lose grip of reality. Which I couldn’t explain as I finally had my life back after my operation and things were looking up for me. And yet, I just couldn’t shake that monster sat on my shoulder. The year was spent crocheting and trying to go with the motion of my ‘new’ life…Traveling was suddenly easier and I wasn’t living in pain anymore.

The year ended with some absolutely amazing adventures in Costa Rica and in Scotland, where I suddenly realised that I needed to change how I was looking at life. I could go through life with a defeatest, negative attitude or I could pick myself up, see the positives and try and achieve my goals! Suddenly that monster started to lighten…I was able to handle more and see the bright side of life! And that’s when things started to change for me.

2020 starts in Scotland in a motorhome with my parents and a new outlook on life. 2020 was going to be the year that I change, that I started to grow as a person again. The first few weeks of January, I started looking and applying for jobs, when all of a sudden I find a dream job. I still have to take it easy and starting a working life had to be done slowly, and suddenly a job at Hobbycraft in High Wycombe appeared in my list. Part time, local, and in a shop that I love. Being a creative person through and through, this job was everything I could have wanted. So I sent off my application and the nervous wait started. To cut a long story short, I got the job!!!

First days are always nervewrecking but I was going to go into this with a positive attitude and try my hardest, as that is all I can do! Well here I am…just over a month later…and instead of being at work, we are on lockdown. I am loving my job and missing it terribly but this time is allowing me to work on myself. I started working out again and this time I am not giving up. I set small realistic goals for myself, instead of unrealistic goals that would set me up for failure.

One of the largest things to change in my life has been my perspective, and that has definitely been influenced by a special someone who unexpectedly came into my life. He pushes me on almost a daily basis to better myself and to see positives when I can. So here I am…in the midst of a lockdown and instead of letting the situation get on top of me…I am doing everything to thrive this year!

I am also now back with lots of new blog posts planned so make sure to check back regularly with lots of new content coming soon!!!

Hope you and your families are all keeping safe in this strange situation and that instead of letting this get on top of you…I hope you all thrive in the ways that you want! Whether that is finished that project you haven’t had the time for or having the time for readjustments, re-evaluations and relaxation!

Take it easy everyone!!! Stay Home, Stay Safe, Save Lives!!!

R and R

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I know that I have been very quiet on here recently and the reason for that was that I took a break. I took time for myself and learnt to listen to my body.

The last couple months haven’t been easy for me and my mental health took a huge hit. Depression had a strong hold on me and I couldn’t find a way out. But after taking this time away from blogging and social media as a whole, I’m happy to report that I am much better now! My mental health is in a better state and I am actually looking forward to the upcoming events in my life.

I’m currently writing this from Costa Rica where I am really taking the time to do the things that I love to do…crochet, reading, photography and just binge watching Netflix. Allowing my brain and body to relax and to just be myself again. I’ve missed enjoying the day to day things and I feel like I can and am now!

So instead of all the doom and gloom that I had been seeing since the beginning of the year, I am now able to find joy in every day life. So I’m back now with lots of blog posts in mind. Be ready!

Hope you’re all having a great week!

Costa Rica 2018

Exploring London…

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A couple weeks ago I realised that I had never been to London on my own. I knew the reason for this was my anxiety, but that same week I had decided that I was going to fight this. I was going to fight my depression and anxiety head on and not let it beat me.

So here I was on a Wednesday morning, packing my rucksack with everything I thought I would need and off I went. After a quick stop off at Dad’s church, he dropped me off at Watford Junction and I was on my way…no turning back now…trust me, the anxiety was winning…my illogical part of my brain was telling me that everything would go wrong and I should just go home and lie in bed. But I thought the better of it and pushed through.

After a quick check to make sure I had enough on my Oyster card, I ran into one of my old school friends and instantly the anxiety reduced. Instantly I was calmer. Turned out that he was headed for the Science Museum which is directly behind the Natural History Museum. The anxiety for travelling had almost completely disappeared at this point and the other fears and anxieties built up. But again, I didn’t give in. I powered through.

About 30 minutes later and there I am, standing in front of the Natural History Museum. Now my plan had been to spend the day there, meandering through all the different sections and reading as much information as possible. However, the second I walked through the doors, I realised that that wasn’t going to happen. It was so incredibly busy, and boiling hot! Not a great combination when you are already struggling with anxiety!

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I tried to enjoy myself as much as I could but after about an hour, I gave in and left. I moved on to the Victoria and Albert Museum, hoping that that would be quieter, unfortunately, it wasn’t. So after a quick dash through the V&A and a quick pep talk from someone special, I picked up the guts, ignored my anxiety and decided to go to the British Museum.

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The British Museum has always been one of my favourites as it includes a lot of ancient Egyptian history and Ancient Greek history, two of my favourite topics!! Yes, it was busy and hot like the other 2 museums, and yet my anxiety was a lot less there.  I was able to distract myself with all of the awesome history that surrounded me. I drowned out the illogical brain and all of my anxieties, I was actually able to enjoy myself!

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Multiple hours were spent here just wandering around looking at all the different artefacts and then realising two important things:

1) How many plaques said ‘now missing’ or ‘now destroyed’ and it made me sad to think about how much history we have already lost and would never be able to discover!

2) That the Natural History Museum didn’t have any information that I saw about the current crisis and what we can do to help to stop more extinctions, etc to happen.

The journey back really tested my anxiety and fear though. It was just before rush hour, but people were already there and pushing. I decided to let one train go as it was so busy and full that I knew it would be a recipe for disaster. The next train was practically empty and I was able to avoid a near-certain panic attack.

Now for those who don’t suffer from anxiety, this day just sounds pretty calm and ‘normal’. For me, however, it was a HUGE step. It allowed me to see that I can push through and not let anxiety run my life. It also showed me that London isn’t such a scary place to explore on your own! Would I do it again? Definitely!! I’m already planning my next trip in!!

If you suffer from anxiety…what do you do to stop it? How do/did you overcome it?

My Story Isn’t Over Yet…

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As I’ve mentioned before…I suffer with anxiety and depression and as much as I would love to be happy all the time…sometimes I slip. And what I have come to realise is that its okay! It’s okay to not be happy all the time…it’s okay to slip and be down. Life is tough and sometimes you end up questioning everything. That has been me for the last 3 weeks.

Certain life events over the last couple months has meant that I have ended up questioning every aspect of my life! Now those of you who know me, know that my life has been far from easy. I have been through a lot and I’m sure that there will still be plenty more ups and downs to come. But you know what…my story isn’t over yet! My past does not dictate how I will live my future.

Someone super close to me introduced me to ‘Hamilton’ by Lin-Manuel Miranda and there is a line in it that has really stuck to me. ‘There are a million things I haven’t done…but just you wait!’. I am only 26 years old…I still have the rest of my life to go, plenty of time to do the million things I want to do. I can also look back at what I have accomplished…I have completed a research masters degree, which if you’d asked me whether I would have done one 10 years ago, I would have said no, and planning on doing a PhD.

Whilst talking to my best friend about my situation lately, she reminded me of another line in ‘Hamilton’ and it goes ‘I am not throwing away my shot!’ and I decided this week that I won’t. I won’t let my depression and anxiety get the better of me. I am going to fight it and I’m going to get better. I won’t let myself worry about whats going to happen in 5-10 years time. I am just going to focus on what I want to achieve by the end of 2018.

I also just want to thank those closest to me who have been a support through this tough time for me! I really appreciate every single one of you and I love you all dearly. I know I can be a lot to handle and that I say things I don’t mean when I am down. But know that I really do love and appreciate you!

So I might have a million things I haven’t done…yet…but what about you? What is a song lyric that sticks with you and helps you?

Life Lessons

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As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post…life doesn’t always go the way you want it to or the way you’ve planned. When you look at the news headlines from the last couple weeks, one thing has been apparent…more and more people are committing suicide. So I asked myself why? The most common answer that kept coming forward for me was loneliness, depression and low self esteem. The three go hand in hand and feed each other.

As someone who suffers from anxiety, depression and a low self esteem, it is easy to be told to just speak up when you need help. But it really isn’t that easy, when I am down I socially isolate myself. I don’t mean to do it…I don’t want to do it either, my brain tells me that I’m being silly but my anxiety ridden part of my brain comes out with all the ‘what ifs’. Now I’m not saying don’t be there for those who are going through this, all I’m saying is that it isn’t black and white…gives us time.

The self esteem issue is one that is growing, I’m seeing the younger generations struggling more and more with their self image, and to be honest I am too. Media nowadays is constantly bombarding us with what is deemed ‘beautiful’. Gone are the days when it used to be ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’…freckles are labeled as imperfections. Curves, which used to be ‘the fashion’ is now considered majorly unhealthy and ugly…We are in a society where instead of building each other up, we are tearing each other apart! And then we get shocked when a young person or a celebrity commits or attempts to commit suicide.

We are all unique, shouldn’t we be celebrating that!? I dread to think what it would be like for there to be 2 of me…my parents would definitely agree there! But I also know that they wouldn’t want to imagine a world without me…and I wouldn’t want to imagine a world without my friends or family. So rather than tearing each other apart…lets celebrate what makes us unique!! Instead of finding fault in someone…find something positive in each person you meet!

We are all beautiful! Whether its your freckles, or your smile…we are all beautiful! Being brought up in a religious family, my parents used to always tell me ‘God doesn’t make things that aren’t beautiful and perfect’ and ‘the God who made the mountains and seas, felt like the world needed a ‘you’’. Those stuck with me and helped me when my self esteem was at the lowest.

I still struggle on a daily basis with my self esteem but I try every morning with a daily affirmation that I repeat to myself all day when I feel low. Some days those affirmations are ‘I release negativity from my body and mind’ to ‘I will not compare myself to others. I stay in my lane. I compare myself only to how far I have come and where I want to go.’

So what about you? What is your affirmation quote of the day? What helps you when you are struggling with depression, anxiety, low self esteem or loneliness?