Living with fibroids is hard. Not matter the size, they affect everything. Some won’t know they even have them, but a lot will have the symptoms but just think ‘oh it’s just a heavy period’ ‘oh it’s just how it is for me’ etc. They are sneaky hidden tumours that can affect so much.
Yes we got great news last year in regards to how my operation and recovery went. But the new hurdle has started. Having fibroids and having had 2 open myomectomies, my womb is weaker and this means that it’ll be harder to get pregnant.
I left off in the last blog that we were trying. Well its been 9 months now with no success. I know that that doesn’t mean a lot yet, as it takes on average a year of trying before women get pregnant. What has been the hardest throughout this though is social media. The targeted ads, the posts of friends with success, the celebrities announcing their good news, and more targeted ads.
Its been tough…seeing others get what you want is really hard. Of course I’m elated for anyone who gets pregnant and want the best for them, but if I’m completely honest…I’m jealous. The targeted ads however, hit a raw nerve. The constant ads for maternity clothes or fertility stuff or baby items…no matter how many times I hide it or say I’m not interested…my feeds on facebook, instagram and tiktok are still filled with it. Meaning I can never forget about it…I can never put struggling with infertility behind me. I am constantly reminded of it.
The monthly cycle of being optimistic and then the crushing reality when the symptoms of a period appear…it takes it out of you. Months fly past and the disappointment and emotions don’t get any less, but my frustration grows. Not so much at the situation we’re in, but the fact that I’m getting annoyed every month. I am trying to relax as much as I can and to not think about it. But the regular calls with the GP and fertility clinic, the medication every day, the diet, the products I need to stay away from now (antihistamines!!!!!), my entire lifestyle has changed in order for us to have the best shot possible. So its hard to ignore the situation, and lonely.
We, women, don’t talk enough about infertility. It affects so many of us and yet we all feel alone. Is it because we ‘shouldn’t’ be talking about it? a taboo topic? or just that we feel let down by our bodies? I know for myself, I feel ashamed…our bodies and cycles are made to be able to get pregnant…and no matter what…we just keep getting negative test after negative test. Its a very lonely journey which is really hard to talk about.
I don’t have the answer…I wish I did…I’m learning to be more open about how I’m feeling to Steve (my fiancé) and to my friends. Some are unfortunately also in the same boat as me, and that has helped. One thing I have massively learnt throughout this all is that our feelings are valid. It is completely valid to feel jealousy of another when you want that so badly but cant for some reason. It is valid to feel sad when the period symptoms start at the end of the cycle. It is valid to cry when the period starts and you mourn another month of not being pregnant.
I don’t know what the future has in store for Steve and I. I don’t know if a baby is in our future. I don’t know how long it might take. All I know is that I have faith and Steve has faith that one day it will happen for us. Whether it is through natural means, IVF or through adoption. One day we will be parents and we will love that child unconditionally. But until then, doing little bits here and there to help relax and to try and focus on other things in our life. Luckily we have a wedding to plan for (which is a whole other stress and story!!!) which is helping to take our minds off things. For now the fibroids are under control and have shrunk for the first time ever. I will be monitored for the next few years to make sure that they don’t grow. We know that a hysterectomy is still on the horizon, but for now its further away than we initially thought.
Fertility/infertility is not easy. But you are not alone and your feelings are valid. We’ve got this!